No More Excuses

Well, here we are almost at the end of the first quarter of the year and I have to say I haven't been off to the best start.  The crappy weather in Ohio has been the death of my motivation and has had a serious effect on my mental health.  Nat has been through quite a rough patch these last few months as well due to a reduced effectiveness of his medication and that has been frustrating and at times exhausting.  In reading "Driven To Distraction" at the request of Nat's current doctor I started to realize and accept that I also have similar issues and not in the cute... "Oh look, a squirrel" way, more in the "I stay at home and move in circles all day without really getting anything significant accomplished and I can only get things completed when the world will stop without it" kind of way.

While it has been easy to work out and make some healthy choices a day here and there, post jokes and motivational quotes on Facebook, put up a good front, it's honestly all bullshit up until now.  All that was an attempt to hide from the depression, the lethargy, AND THE DONUTS, lots and lots of donuts!!!!

May 7th I will celebrate 37th year on the planet and the 10th anniversary of my brain tumor surgery.  If this is your first time around, check out my old blog posts for more information on that.  With that anniversary coming up, I have decided that it is time for a reset, physically and psychologically.  I have also decided that the time for excuses is over.  This isn't a matter of reinventing anything, I have done this all before and I know the steps that I need to take to get there.  For me, the physical pretty much takes care of the psychological.  When I am working out and eating better, I am able to cope with the stresses of day to day life much better and I'm probably an easier person to be around.  Commitment and accountability are the only things that I am lacking.  So far I have taken two steps to work toward these positive changes.

1)  I registered for my first ever 5K.

I have had several challenges when it comes to physical fitness and I've conquered most of them.  There are only 2 things that remain -- being able to run and being able to do pull-ups.  I think the latter will allude me for at least a while longer but I am determined to complete a 3 mile run and turn in a respectable time.  This run is special to me because it fundraises for a cause close to my heart (brain) and on the 10th anniversary of my surgery nothing could be more appropriate.  My goal is to run as much as I can of the 3 miles and to raise at least $250.  If you have a few bucks to spare, please consider going to BT5K.org click "Donate" and search for my name.

2) I signed up for the Spring Booty Buster Challenge

In order to stay on track with the "training" over the next 90 days or so, I noticed a challenge that my friend Terese spoke about in her blog.  Run to The Finish describes the challenge best:

"7 weeks of tracking “points” for being active and eating clean, while getting non-stop support from other women who are exactly like you. Sometimes they’ll wrap you in a bear hug and other days text you at 5AM to get your a** to the gym. It’s about prizes and habits and finding the fun in healthy living."

Anyone from beginners to marathon pros are welcome.  I'd love to have some company, and some competition, click below and join me (tell them I sent ya)!

I'm going to start using the blog for accountability and to share with my challenge mates.  I know the upcoming posts may not interest many people, but if you could at least make a small contribution for BT5K I would be most grateful!

the next chapter in this little adventure

Well, I haven't wrote much about my head lately. I suppose that it's time. I am constantly thinking about it, I don't know if I'll ever come to the point at which I don't think about it 50 times a day on a good day, or constantly on a bad day.

A lot of things are going on now that have made it a major part of my day to day living. First, I am really struggling at the new job, which isn't so new now. I've been there just over a year. After days of extra working or extreme stress, I have these episodes which seem like a mixture between a panic attack and a seizure. The doctors have not been able to successfully diagnose them as anything, and of course I'm medicated for both seizures and anxiety. Friday, I had yet another one. I am supposed to be taking it easy and the point of this job was not what it's turned out to be. There is entirely too much stress and responsibility, but my bosses seem to understand and some help is on the way. I think that my boss's motivation are more selfish than anything, because the fiscal situation at the school is so dire that anything I miss is money lost and me leaving right now would be devastating.

I went to see my new neurologist for the second time. I was pretty depressed that week, and truthfully haven't been feeling much better. I spent a lot of time talking about my issues with employment and she actually asked me if I'd thought about not working. She said, of course, if you need to or you get something out of it..... well, I'm beginning to get less and less out of it honestly. When I work full time, I can't remember important things like teeth brushing, showers, taking a pee for f's sake. I don't have the energy or cognitive ability to do something as simple as preparing dinner. I really think that I'm at the end of it. But, of course, failure for me is not an option, so I tell her that I'm going to keep working at it and that I couldn't see not working. She mentioned going to three days a week. I don't know a job that would allow me to do that. She said that she's thrilled that I am doing so good. When I looked at her funny, because obviously, she doesn't live my life, so that statement confused me.... she said, "At least you haven't given up yet." I have to tell you, many days, that seems like the best option on the horizon.

The other thing that came out of the appointment is that I will be having an MRI on Monday. I HATE HATE HATE the whole process. The MRI itself is terribly nervewracking and until you are able to take an ipod in there (no metal allowed) and have some kind of meditation or ambient spa music running, you are constantly aware that you are in the space pretty close to a coffin and you aren't getting out until they release you. The noise inside resembles chinese torture and keeps you constantly reminded that you want nothing more than to get the f*ck out of there. The worst part is not the actual procedure, it's the waiting before and after. I have a hard time coping once the appointment is set, mostly nervous about the procedure itself... and waiting for the outcome. This new neurologist makes the game even *more* fun, because I do not have my next appointment with the neurologist until 5/5 (2 days before my *5* year anniversary of the surgery). This means that I will most likely get my results over the phone. Or if it's bad news, I'll know it because they'll call me in for an appointment. At least with the neurosurgeon in Cleveland, I had the scan and the results the same day.

I'm just really crabby now about the whole thing. I can't feel comfortable doing my job anymore, I am tired of the physical problems, and the psychological and cognitive are the worst. Things are not getting better. I have really noticed the irritabilitiy lately and it's hard to say at this point if it's me, or the drugs, or my head, or if I just enjoy being pissed off. I have had no patience for things going wrong and the more things that go wrong, the worse I get. My mind is constantly obsessing over my health. Why don't I feel well, am I losing my mind, why wont that pain and that knot in my neck go away... should I ask them to do an MRI of it next week... how am I ever going to make it.

So tonight I try to relax, we watched The Machinist . It was the best movie that I've seen in some time and I enjoyed Christian Bale without his growling Batman voice. My take on the film was interesting though.... "At least I am not as crazy as *that* guy. I'm not seeing and talking to folks that aren't there... I guess it could be worse. I laid on the couch with a heating pad wrapped around me because my muscles are so tense. Never being relaxed seems to have many physical side effects and that is the most obvious one for me. Because of that, or some other tumor growing in my neck, I've been really uncomfortable all day. So, there is something else for me to fixate on.

I just have no idea at this point what I would give to feel "normal" again. Please keep your jokes about my relative normality to yourselves. :p

I'd like to sit at a restaurant and eat without worrying if it's too loud or disruptive or if I'm going
to have freak out session at some point during the evening. Even when I'm not in full on panic, my mind is running non-stop. Thinking about every little twinge in my body, in my head, worrying about work, or Nathaniel, or just this fog of worry and fear. So often when I'm at this point, like last night, I just want to write and purge it all, but I am too exhausted to do it. If I wrote every time that the mood struck me, there would be volumes. Instead I avoid it to prevent dealing with it, or get sidetracked. Much of the time, it's hard to even put into words how I feel.

Okay, I'm going to drop this for now, I have no idea where else I can go with this tonight. However, there will be more coming up, probably a lot more. Sorry to be so depressing, but this is life right now.