Well, I haven't wrote much about my head lately. I suppose that it's time. I am constantly thinking about it, I don't know if I'll ever come to the point at which I don't think about it 50 times a day on a good day, or constantly on a bad day.
A lot of things are going on now that have made it a major part of my day to day living. First, I am really struggling at the new job, which isn't so new now. I've been there just over a year. After days of extra working or extreme stress, I have these episodes which seem like a mixture between a panic attack and a seizure. The doctors have not been able to successfully diagnose them as anything, and of course I'm medicated for both seizures and anxiety. Friday, I had yet another one. I am supposed to be taking it easy and the point of this job was not what it's turned out to be. There is entirely too much stress and responsibility, but my bosses seem to understand and some help is on the way. I think that my boss's motivation are more selfish than anything, because the fiscal situation at the school is so dire that anything I miss is money lost and me leaving right now would be devastating.
I went to see my new neurologist for the second time. I was pretty depressed that week, and truthfully haven't been feeling much better. I spent a lot of time talking about my issues with employment and she actually asked me if I'd thought about not working. She said, of course, if you need to or you get something out of it..... well, I'm beginning to get less and less out of it honestly. When I work full time, I can't remember important things like teeth brushing, showers, taking a pee for f's sake. I don't have the energy or cognitive ability to do something as simple as preparing dinner. I really think that I'm at the end of it. But, of course, failure for me is not an option, so I tell her that I'm going to keep working at it and that I couldn't see not working. She mentioned going to three days a week. I don't know a job that would allow me to do that. She said that she's thrilled that I am doing so good. When I looked at her funny, because obviously, she doesn't live my life, so that statement confused me.... she said, "At least you haven't given up yet." I have to tell you, many days, that seems like the best option on the horizon.
The other thing that came out of the appointment is that I will be having an MRI on Monday. I HATE HATE HATE the whole process. The MRI itself is terribly nervewracking and until you are able to take an ipod in there (no metal allowed) and have some kind of meditation or ambient spa music running, you are constantly aware that you are in the space pretty close to a coffin and you aren't getting out until they release you. The noise inside resembles chinese torture and keeps you constantly reminded that you want nothing more than to get the f*ck out of there. The worst part is not the actual procedure, it's the waiting before and after. I have a hard time coping once the appointment is set, mostly nervous about the procedure itself... and waiting for the outcome. This new neurologist makes the game even *more* fun, because I do not have my next appointment with the neurologist until 5/5 (2 days before my *5* year anniversary of the surgery). This means that I will most likely get my results over the phone. Or if it's bad news, I'll know it because they'll call me in for an appointment. At least with the neurosurgeon in Cleveland, I had the scan and the results the same day.
I'm just really crabby now about the whole thing. I can't feel comfortable doing my job anymore, I am tired of the physical problems, and the psychological and cognitive are the worst. Things are not getting better. I have really noticed the irritabilitiy lately and it's hard to say at this point if it's me, or the drugs, or my head, or if I just enjoy being pissed off. I have had no patience for things going wrong and the more things that go wrong, the worse I get. My mind is constantly obsessing over my health. Why don't I feel well, am I losing my mind, why wont that pain and that knot in my neck go away... should I ask them to do an MRI of it next week... how am I ever going to make it.
So tonight I try to relax, we watched The Machinist . It was the best movie that I've seen in some time and I enjoyed Christian Bale without his growling Batman voice. My take on the film was interesting though.... "At least I am not as crazy as *that* guy. I'm not seeing and talking to folks that aren't there... I guess it could be worse. I laid on the couch with a heating pad wrapped around me because my muscles are so tense. Never being relaxed seems to have many physical side effects and that is the most obvious one for me. Because of that, or some other tumor growing in my neck, I've been really uncomfortable all day. So, there is something else for me to fixate on.
I just have no idea at this point what I would give to feel "normal" again. Please keep your jokes about my relative normality to yourselves. :p
I'd like to sit at a restaurant and eat without worrying if it's too loud or disruptive or if I'm going
to have freak out session at some point during the evening. Even when I'm not in full on panic, my mind is running non-stop. Thinking about every little twinge in my body, in my head, worrying about work, or Nathaniel, or just this fog of worry and fear. So often when I'm at this point, like last night, I just want to write and purge it all, but I am too exhausted to do it. If I wrote every time that the mood struck me, there would be volumes. Instead I avoid it to prevent dealing with it, or get sidetracked. Much of the time, it's hard to even put into words how I feel.
Okay, I'm going to drop this for now, I have no idea where else I can go with this tonight. However, there will be more coming up, probably a lot more. Sorry to be so depressing, but this is life right now.
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